If this is your first Christmas since your divorce, please hear this before anything else: You're not doing it wrong. The season that's supposed to feel warm and joyful can feel almost unbearable right now. I know, because I've been there. If you've been dreading December, I want you to know you are not the only one.
My Own First Christmas
I wrote about my first Christmas in an earlier post: "My first Christmas after my divorce, I boycotted the whole thing, primarily because I was far too emotional to be around people." I stayed alone in my apartment. I was angry with God, too. Looking back, it was the worst decision I made that whole year. And I share that because people experience a lot of regret post-divorce, and my goal is to help you avoid more regret.
Start With Advent, Not December 25th
Advent is a season of waiting and preparation, and when you're hurting, that is a gift. You don't have to feel festive on the first Sunday of Advent. The Church gives us four weeks to prepare, not one day to perform.
Here are a few small things that may help:
- Choose one simple practice for Advent. A short prayer each morning, lighting a candle, or reading the day's Gospel. Keep it small enough that you can still do it on a bad day.
- Read Scripture slowly. Isaiah and the Gospel of Luke are full of people waiting in the dark. You'll find good company there.
- Don't compare. Social media will show you everyone else's holiday. You are allowed to log off.
Plan The Day Ahead Of Time
The most helpful thing I ever learned was to stop leaving the day to chance. In 5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays After Divorce, I wrote about deciding ahead of time what the day will look like, and about giving yourself permission to leave a gathering when you've had enough. On your first Christmas, those two ideas matter most.
Take a few minutes and ask yourself:
- Where will I wake up, and what's the first small thing I'll do that morning?
- Will I be with people, and for how long? Who is safe to sit beside?
- What's my exit plan if it becomes too much? (It really is okay to leave.)
- Who can I text if the afternoon gets heavy?
Think About Mass
If you're Catholic, you may be wondering whether to go to Christmas Mass at all. Where will you sit? What will you say if someone asks how you're doing? Here are a few gentle options:
- Choose the Mass that feels easiest. A vigil Mass, or a Mass at a different parish, can mean fewer familiar faces. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
- Go early, or sit near the back. Sit where you're most comfortable and can focus on the altar.
- Remember why you're there. Mass isn't a performance. It's an encounter with Christ, who came to be with us in our pain.
If you're divorced and wondering about Communion, I've written a plain-language explanation here: Can Divorced Catholics Receive Communion? The U.S. bishops encourage divorced Catholics who are in a state of grace and not remarried outside the Church to make frequent use of the sacraments, especially the Eucharist and Reconciliation.[1]
If you have children
- Keep a few traditions the same. Children usually notice what stays steady.
- Plan the handoff before the day. Knowing when they leave and when they come back makes it easier to protect your own heart.
- Don't say unkind things about your ex in front of the kids. For more, read How Do You Raise Kids Catholic After Divorce?
- Save time for yourself after they leave. Have something planned: a phone call, a walk, a visit with a friend.
If You'll Be Alone
Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely, though I know it can feel that way. If you'll be alone for part of the day:
- Plan something outside your home. A visit, a holiday festival, a volunteer opportunity.
- Set up a call with a friend, a sibling or someone from your parish.
- Pray the rosary or a short novena. If you'd like one, I'd love for you to pray with me: 9-Day Novena to St. Francis for Divorced Catholics.
- Let the day be small. You don't have to make it magical.
Setting Boundaries With Family
Well-meaning relatives can say hurtful things. It's okay to say, "I'd rather not talk about it today." You might also decide ahead of time how long you'll stay, or who you'll sit beside. Boundaries aren't selfish, they help you show up with kindness.
Support Through The Aeason
You don't have to get through this season on your own. Here are a few places to find encouragement:
- Daily Encouragement emails
- The Journey of Hope online program: Catholic encouragement for separated and divorced people, from the comfort of home
- Your parish. Ask whether there's a divorced and separated ministry near you, or bring a Journey of Hope group to your parish.
If you'd like a gentle companion for the season, I wrote a book just for this: Through the Holidays with Grace..
If You're Struggling
If you feel hopeless or are thinking about harming yourself, please call or text 988 (the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.) right now, or call 911 if you're in immediate danger.[2] You don't have to carry this alone.
Know that I'm praying for you. Please pray for me too.
Sources
- USCCB, "Divorce": quotes Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan (2009): https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/divorce (read Oct 10, 2026)
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/
- Lisa Duffy, 5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays After Divorce, The Journey of Hope Program (the quoted text): /blogs/divorce-recovery/5-tips-for-surviving-the-holidays-after-divorce