The holidays are coming, and if you have been through a divorce, you may already feel the dread creeping in.
I know that dread all too well. My first Christmas after my divorce, I boycotted the whole thing, primarily because I was far too emotional to be around people. No family gathering, no parties, no midnight Mass with anyone. I spent it alone in my apartment and told myself it was the sane choice — that it was easier than pretending, easier than fielding the questions.
But, truth be told, I was also angry with God and I felt like shaking a fist at Him. I will not celebrate your birth, nor try to be joyful, because you allowed my divorce to happen.
Believe me, it was the worst decision I made that year.
Being alone on Christmas was like being in a pit. My emotions were completely out of control. I was angry, I was depressed, and there was nobody there to interrupt any of it. I would have been far better off in a room full of people I didn't feel like talking to.
Thanksgiving hadn't gone much better. You're supposed to show up festive and grateful, and I had neither of those things in me. I sat with my big traditional Catholic family trying to find something positive to say, and it was painfully awkward. Then came the relatives with their opinions and their advice — and a lot of it stung. Not because anyone was trying to hurt me. They just didn't understand. Well-meaning as those comments were, they hurt.
No One Prepares You
Nobody tells you how to get through the holidays after a divorce. That is tragic, because it's already such an emotional time. Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year's — a never-ending parade of reminders of what you do not have anymore.
I made a lot of mistakes that first year. Looking back, I wish someone had given me a little guidance or shared their wisdom so I could have given myself some grace. That's what I want to do for you here.
These are the five things that eventually got me through the holidays with some grace — most of them learned the hard way.
1. Decide In Advance How You Will Spend The Holiday
The single most helpful thing I did was stop leaving things to chance, so I highly encourage you to decide in advance what the day of any given holiday is going to look like. I mean down to the hour. For example, consider these questions:
- What will you do when you first wake up? On a day that's difficult, what can you do to give yourself a positive start?
- Will you be attending an event or spending the day alone?
- If attending an event, what can you do between waking and attending that will bring you some peace?
- If spending the day alone, what will you do to prevent yourself from falling into depression?
- Will you go to Mass, and if so, who will you sit with?
These are examples of questions to ask yourself so you can plan in advance, but you know best what needs to be addressed. If you plan these things in advance and make the decision to stick to that plan, you're introducing some stability and level-headedness into your holiday.
This matters because you have no idea what the days leading up to a holiday will bring emotionally. You don't want to be at the mercy of however you happen to feel that morning. And you do not want to subject people who are trying to celebrate to what you are carrying.
On that note — if you are Catholic, go to Mass. Please! Even if everything feels wrong and off and painful. There is so much to be said for being in the presence of God, among people who are worshiping Him, and knowing that He loves you at a moment when it is so easy to feel completely unloved.
2. Give Yourself Permission To Leave
Being alone on the holidays was a bad idea for me. But being at a party trying to go with the flow was also very hard (and somewhat exhausting). I felt like I was pretending the entire time.
What I eventually figured out is that those are not the only two options.
I stopped declining invitations. Instead, I gave myself permission to leave whenever I decided it was time. I didn't have to stay and pretend to be happy. I could show up, be with people, and then go when I felt I was done.
It was that simple, and it was one of the best decisions I made. I wasn't dragging myself through hours of pretending, and I was not sitting home alone either.
3. Know Your Holiday Triggers
I learned this one through trial and error, and it saved me from a lot of bad situations.
For me, alcohol and heightened emotions are a terrible combination. The holidays already turn the volume up on everything, and since I was carrying a lot of anger, resentment, jealousy, and devastation, adding alcohol to that was not going to end well. That's my trigger. Yours may be different.
It might be certain music. Certain people. Old family photographs. Driving by your old neighborhood. Whatever it is, those triggers tend to lead to poor decisions. So, take some time before the holidays and think honestly about what sets you off, and what you need to stay away from.
You can't remove every painful reminder of your divorce, and you shouldn't spend the entire season running away from them. But there is an equilibrium to be found, and thinking about it in advance is how you find it. It may sound a little neurotic to plan for this, but It helped me enormously.
Side Bar: Try Not To Worry What Other People Think
Divorce has a way of making you feel like you are wearing a big scarlet "D" that everyone can spot across the room. It is a rotten feeling.
The most important thing right now is that you get through this season gracefully. That is good for your mental health, and it is good for everyone around you — especially your children. So whatever people say or think, set it aside and ignore it.
Easier said than done. I know. But I tried it, and eventually it became a habit.
4. December 25th Is Just A Day On The Calendar (Especially If You Have Children)
I did not have children when I divorced, so I am sharing this one from a friend, and her story has stayed with me for years.
The court decided her ex-spouse would have the kids on Christmas. She was completely devastated. The thought of getting through that day without her children was almost more than she could bear, and she sank into a real depression over it.
Then her parents pointed out something really important... December 25th is a day on the calendar, but Christmas can happen whenever you decide it happens.
So that's what they did. They planned an enormous Christmas celebration for the kids on the last school day before the break. She and her parents stayed up all night cooking and baking. The presents were wrapped and waiting. They made the house beautiful with a gorgeous tree and decorations.
She picked the children up early that morning and brought them home. They opened presents, ate Christmas treats, had a huge midday meal, and spent the day with their grandparents. It was joyful and memorable and entirely theirs. Then about an hour before school let out, she dropped them back, and when school ended, they went off to spend Christmas with their dad.
She felt so grateful for that time, and therein lies my point: You don't have to give up the things that matter just because a holiday lands on a particular date. Celebrate Thanksgiving when it fits your schedule. Celebrate Christmas on your own timeline. You do not have to be deprived of spending the holidays with your children.
5. Start Your Own Holiday Traditions
This was probably the hardest lesson for me. I spent a long time trying to recreate the holidays exactly as I had always known them. I came from a big Catholic family with very structured traditions, and I kept trying to rebuild that. It was never the same, and I was always disappointed, which only made the absence louder.
Eventually I understood that some things I had to let go of — and that other things I was free to create. There's total freedom here. The field is wide open and the slate is clean.
One of the things I started doing was inviting people I knew would otherwise be alone. Hosting them let me build a festive atmosphere that was genuinely my own, and it let me help other people feel less disconnected during a season that isolates so many. That made my holidays better than anything I had tried to recreate.
Your Divorce Does Not Define You
Whatever these holidays look like for you, remember that your divorce does not define who you are. You're still an important member of your parish community. You're still an important member of your family.
You will survive the holidays, my friend, and you can do it with grace if you look ahead just a little and put a few things in place. Guardrails, so the car does not go off the cliff.
And if you are Catholic and wondering whether you can even go to church, whether you can receive the sacraments, I wrote about that here: Can Divorced Catholics Receive Communion?
I'm praying for you. Please pray for me too.
Continue healing at your own pace online.