The family is meant to be the school of virtue par excellence. There really is no greater classroom for teaching virtue than a family that's trying to live a good life. So when divorce happens—and unfortunately, Catholics do get divorced—it can feel as though all of that goes out the window.
Lisa Duffy is here to tell you that it doesn't have to. Divorce isn't what God intended for marriage. Yet after more than 25 years of walking with divorced Catholic men and women, she's seen families go on to lead powerful examples of virtue and humility after the devastation of divorce. Here are her four recommendations for keeping virtue in your home.
1. Pray together as a family—and pray for your ex-spouse
Whether you prayed together before the divorce or you're just beginning now, pray with your children. It doesn't matter if they're little, teenagers, or adults.
Praying together helps solidify security in the family. It invites God's blessings and reminds everyone that God is still with you. Divorce can be a terribly unsettling time, especially for young children. The more security they have, the better prepared they'll be for their futures. Family prayer gives them stability and hope.
Lisa also recommends something that may feel hard: pray for your ex-spouse. She's not trying to enrage or torture you. She recommends it because it's good for everyone involved. It's good for your children because they see mercy modeled. It's good for you because it slowly chips away at unforgiveness and resentment, and it can soften explosive exchanges over time. Prayer is always needed in every family—and especially in a family living through divorce.
2. Give your children the best possible image of your ex-spouse
This can be one of the hardest recommendations of all. Lisa knows there are very difficult circumstances, and she acknowledges that your anger may be just.
Even so, children still love their other biological parent. Helping them see a positive—or at least a more positive—image of that parent helps them heal. The temptation, especially with older children, is to explain your side of the story. Harsh words and accusations against your ex-spouse hurt your children.
Choose charitable words when you discuss what happened. Choose age-appropriate information. Your children don't need to know everything—even if they're adults. Giving them what is appropriate, with as much charity as you can find, is an example of heroic virtue. It's one of the best ways to keep virtue in your home and keep your children on track with living a good life.
3. When communication becomes explosive, don't join the fight
When a conversation with your ex-spouse turns into screaming, profanity, or other terrible exchanges, make a conscious decision to step back and not join in. Lisa knows you may have righteous anger. She also knows this step is difficult.
From her own experience after divorce, conversations with her ex-spouse often went from zero to sixty almost immediately. She'd leave shaken for days—afraid, unsettled, and deeply hurt. One day she realized she couldn't live that way. The next time everything blew up, she took a step back, said nothing, and let him finish. Then she said calmly that from then on he could either speak to her as a civil human being or speak to her lawyer. She said it not with animosity, but with a deep desire for peace. That was the last time he became out of control in a conversation with her.
Your situation may call for a different approach. Reflect on what you need to discuss and find a way either not to join the anger or to build parameters that protect you. You can't control your ex-spouse or others who add to your hurt. You can control yourself. You can set the tone and the parameters. Laying down your arms isn't weakness—it's strength, and your children will pay close attention.
4. Be selective about whom you share details with
Be very careful about who hears the details of your situation. Lisa's heard more than once of children coming home from school crushed because other kids were talking about what their parents were going through. That's a horrendous thing for a child to hear.
The details of your personal life aren't everyone's business. Don't give people who don't need to know that opportunity. Find a trustworthy confidant—a family member, a spiritual director, or a close friend you know will keep things private. Everyone else is on a need-to-know basis.
These steps together help build confidentiality, privacy, and as much security as possible for you and your children. They also help you trust one another and keep moving forward in trying to live a good life and be a good example.
Virtuous living is built in hard moments
None of this is easy. Lisa understands because she's walked in your shoes. Hold on to this: virtuous living isn't built in easy moments. It's built in the challenging situations divorce puts before you every day—the explosive argument you step away from, the conversation where you could lash out but choose charitable words instead.
Those choices are real steps in virtue. They help you grow, and they lead your children in a virtuous life. You can do this. God's grace will carry you through every situation if you ask for His help.
Taking the next step
If you're looking for more support as a divorced or separated Catholic, explore the Journey of Hope online subscriptions. The program offers Catholic teaching, encouragement, and practical support from the privacy of your own home.