Do you know someone who is divorced and Catholic? If so, there are four important things they really want you to know—but probably would never say to your face.
I've worked with divorced Catholics for more than 25 years, and I went through my own divorce in the early 1990s. I'd never wish that kind of pain on anyone. There's a lot of shame and embarrassment that goes along with being divorced—and that's most likely why someone wouldn't tell you these things directly. So I'm going to help them out.
1. The divorce wasn't their choice
The first thing they want you to know is that divorce was not their choice.
The Church teaches that divorce is a grave offense against the family—and it is. But civil divorce laws ensure that if one spouse wants the divorce, it's going to happen. That means a lot of Catholics find themselves forced into divorce. They fight hard for their marriage. They do everything they can to save it. And they still lose.
The person you see at Mass who is divorced is most likely the one who fought for their marriage and lost.
That person might also be a victim of a criminal abuser. They don't want their marriage to end this way, but they're forced to leave because there's no other way to escape. In these circumstances, the Church permits separation and civil divorce if it's the only way to escape the abuse.
2. Going to Mass is really hard
What they also want you to know is that going to Mass is really hard.
I know this from my own experience. When I went to Mass by myself, all I saw were happy families and loving couples. You never know what's underneath the surface, of course—but I felt like I was wearing a huge scarlet D, as if everybody, even people who didn't know me, knew I was divorced and thought of me as a failure. That made it so hard to come to Mass and focus on what mattered.
I had a friend—we'll call her Marie. Marie would show up on Sundays, but she just couldn't get out of her car. She would sit there and cry because she was so embarrassed and ashamed to enter the church and let everyone see her as a divorced Catholic.
3. What you see is only a fraction of what they're carrying
The next thing they want you to know is that what you see on the surface is only a fraction of what they're going through.
Divorce brings incredible suffering on so many levels. It's like having a physical disease with all the pain—but there's no medicine for it. You can't take a Tylenol. You can't get an injection from a doctor. You just have to live with it. And it goes on and on.
Spouses with children have it doubly hard. Dealing with the family court system alone can drag on for years. The suffering and loss hit on many levels:
- Familial — your immediate family is split apart
- Relational — in-laws and others you were close to suddenly disappear
- Financial — divorce devastates a family's economy
- Social — friends and family drift away; you start checking the "divorced" box on forms
- Emotional and spiritual — grief at losing your spouse, shame from the label, fear of the unknown
Each of these alone would be devastating. Divorced Catholics carry these burdens every single day. It takes a lot of courage to get out into the world and keep living.
4. Distance is the opposite of mercy
The last—and probably most important—thing a divorced Catholic would like you to know is that distance is the opposite of mercy.
When you find out someone is divorced, it can be tempting to pull away. Maybe you don't know what to say. Maybe it feels awkward. Maybe you're not sure of the right response. That's fair. A lot of times when we see people hurting, we don't know what to say.
But think about this. When someone dies, the widow or widower receives flowers, meals, check-ins, and a lot of caring attention. All of that should happen—it's a very good thing. Someone who goes through a divorce has also lost their spouse, and a lot of other things with it. They rarely receive meals. They rarely receive check-ins. And those things could be such an incredible help.
Being a friend to someone who is divorced does not mean you're condoning divorce. It means you're being like the Good Samaritan. It can be a real boost of moral and emotional support.
The Church gives us the corporal and spiritual works of mercy for precisely these situations—visiting the sick, counseling the doubtful, comforting the sorrowful. Your divorced friend or loved one falls into all three. They just want what the Good Samaritan offered: someone who stopped at the side of the road and treated their wounds. If you could be that person, it would make an incredible difference.
You are seen
If this helps you understand someone in your life a little better, share it with them—or with someone else who needs to hear it.
And if you're the divorced Catholic who's been waiting to say something out loud, please know: you are seen, you are heard, and you're not forgotten.
Taking the next step
If you're looking for more support as a divorced or separated Catholic, explore the Journey of Hope online subscriptions. The program offers Catholic teaching, encouragement, and practical support from the privacy of your own home.
Watch the video: 4 Things Divorced Catholics Want You To Know