One of the most difficult aspects of rebuilding your life after divorce is battling the pervasive feeling of being less valuable as a human being.
Now, this doesn’t happen to everyone who gets divorced, but in all my years of helping people pick up the pieces of their broken relationships, it is a common thread among them. The feelings of loss and rejection occur on so many levels, and it’s natural that one might question one’s own value as a person.
Am I still attractive? Do I have anything important to offer anymore? If my ex-spouse doesn’t want me, will anyone else want me? Am I still worthy of love?
My advice? Don’t waste your time with those thoughts.
These questions are typical of the mind games that take hold when you are trying to recover from the loss of your marriage. It’s normal to ask them, but be careful. They become like mirrors in a carnival fun house that can really distort your self-image.
You need to have some good grounding so you can know how to you sort out the reality of your self-worth from the reality of what happened in your divorce?
This is an important point to reflect upon, especially as the holiday season begins because it’s very easy to begin shying away from social events and celebrations if your self-esteem is suffering. There inevitably will be the dreaded critiques on what you should or shouldn’t have done, and of course, someone will always dispense that well-intended but very misguided advice. These situations make it easy to talk yourself out of doing anything social, but it doesn’t have to be this way. You can face your holiday celebrations with your head held high if you remember this important point: Divorce is something that happened to you. It is not who you are.
A Purpose Driven Life
In my book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, I discuss this issue at length because it is so important and holds so many people back from making peace with their divorces. “Divorce” does not and could never encapsulate who you are as a person. You are a living, breathing human being with a mind and a body, a heart and a soul. You are loved by a God who created you and gave you a distinct purpose in life. You are not the sum of one word, nor are you validated by a social status.
Divorce does not invalidate your role as an important family member, friend or member of society. It does not erase all the good qualities you possess or all the good things you’ve done. It certainly does not negate all the incredible potential you have for living the rest of your life. Believing this is critical if you hope to have a successful relationship in the future. In fact, despite the trauma of the situation and the dramatic ways in which your life has changed, your divorce is still a relatively small part of who you are in the grand scheme of things. It certainly is not the way God defines you. When you doubt your own self-worth, it’s appropriate and necessary to step back once in a while and give yourself a reality check.
So, instead of wondering how other people see you, think about how God sees you. He loved you so much that he called you, specifically, into being. He has bestowed many gifts and talents upon you, and has given you a distinct purpose in life. Because of his gifts and blessings, you are a human being with the potential to do great things. All these incredible gifts and talents God has already given you are waiting to be refreshed and refined in your new chapter of life.
God has given you a distinct purpose, a mission that is as unique and unrepeatable as snowflakes or fingerprints. If you are able to recognize and embrace the fact that you are not just a number, not just a statistic, but someone with a unique identity and a specific purpose in life, it will be easier to be around your family and friends and more likely you will find peace.
What a great gift we have in being alive, even with those low blows like divorce that life can send our way. If you ever doubt what you are doing or feel discouraged, reflect upon all the gifts God has given you that make you valuable and make you important to others. You will find the comfort, motivation, and inspiration you need to keep going.
Got questions? Email me at lisa@lisaduffy.com.